The Hot Harrison House

motivated by guilt

2012-02-15T00:07:00.002-05:00

the house is quiet on this valentine's night 2012.
i finally got penelope to sleep and matt followed soon after due to a very busy day at a conference in miami for teachers. he surprised me with roses tonight and my cup feels full with love for him so i am not disappointed in the fact that i am up alone on this night meant for lovers. micah and beatrix are sleeping soundly, i have just checked on them. i washed my face, brushed my teeth and put my pajamas on, but i am not ready for bed yet. i need to purge myself of some thoughts that have been brewing inside of me for several days.

thursday i am supposed to take beatrix to a speech pathologist to have her tested and to determine what kinds of speech therapy she needs. i have been putting this appointment off for some time now. first it was because i was pregnant. then i made excuses that we only have one car so it would be too difficult to take matt and micah to school to have the car. then it was because penelope was newly here and now...well, now i want to put it off because i keep thinking that one of these days she will miraculously start talking on her own and i won't have to think any more about it.

but the truth is that she does need some help. so i finally made the appointment. and as the day has drawn closer i have found myself feeling more and more anxious...and if i am totally honest, i am feeling sad. i fluctuate between feeling guilty that she isn't speaking yet and denial that well, she isn't speaking yet.

i recently read a blog post somewhere else about the difference between guilt and actual ownership of the situation, a call to change if you will. it has been mulling over and over in my brain. then shortly after, i read another blog post on a different blog about the way this mother felt on having her first, and then her second child and finally what it felt like to have a third. and i had to admit to myself that what she wrote resonated with me.

when micah was born i was relieved and grateful and beyond excited to finally have a healthy baby. i wanted to do everything with him. i would sit on the couch in the morning when matt left for work feeding him and just gazing at his face. matt would return hours later and find me in the exact same position. he would smile and ask me if i had moved at all that day. i would fain exasperation and say, "yes! i got up to go to the bathroom." hours would go by. i just loved looking at him, talking to him, examining his beautiful face and toes and fingers. i would watch how he slept. i would sit there and watch him. i don't think that child cried until he was at least 6 months old. when it did happen i thought it would wreck me.

fast forward three years. i was pregnant with beatrix. we had planned to have another baby. as far as planning goes. i knew i was ready to extend our family, but couldn't imagine how i would love another baby like i loved micah. but miracles of miracles i did love another baby. however, she didn't get the best of me like he did. she got seconds.

i remember feeling so torn that first year. micah would want to spend time with me and i was constantly telling him just a minute, or after i feed the baby, or in a little bit. i never felt fully present with bea. i always felt like i should be doing something else. the blog post i read articulated this very thing so eloquently. then when beatrix was a few months old i had to go into the hospital for a kidney stone. she had never taken a bottle and matt was forced to do that very thing. she would cry for hours and i wasn't there to feed her. our routine got interrupted even after i returned from the hospital. for over a week i was on meds so strong that i had to pump and dump just to try to keep my milk going for when i was off of them. that was an awful week. after that we never really returned to the way it had been before and due to how tight money was i returned to waitressing soon after that for 4 sometimes even 5 nights a week. though it strengthened matt and bea's bond, i never really felt connected to her.

i remember when micah's first day of kindergarten came. i wept. i felt like i was losing someone. i mourned the loss of what we had. but you know what? God, in his grace, knew just what i needed. he knew that i needed that year and a half alone with beatrix. she was never very affectionate until micah went away to school and than we were able to discover our relationship. i am so very thankful for that year and a half! especially when we were surprised by getting pregnant last year. i can't even imagine what our relationship would have looked like if i wouldn't have had that precious time with her, alone.

now that penelope is here, i am noticing a marked difference in how i relate to her. it is a difference that i can only know because penelope is here. it is a different way that i am with her. i am comfortable with letting micah and bea wait because she is a baby and she needs me more. i don't remember feeling that with bea. i don't feel torn this time around. i don't feel like i should be doing something else.

i have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and in this reflection i have come to two conclusions so far. one is that i have gotten lazy with beatrix. she isn't demanding of my time and attention the way micah was at her age. she is content to play alone and she accepts what she gets from me without question. the second conclusion i have come to is that i don't like to do things that are hard for me. i don't. i stick to what is easy. this whole speaking thing has gotten me knotted up inside. and if i am honest, i know it is going to be hard and it is going to take a lot of time and attention to help her find her voice. i know 100 percent that she is worth it! she is worth more of me than i could ever even give, but like i admitted i don't like to do hard things and i have gotten lazy.

when i finally get penelope to sleep i don't want to sit and play games or do puzzles or play dough or trains or trucks or play kitchen or read books. i want to do what i want to do. and because beatrix isn't demanding i can get away with so-so parenting and still look like i've got it under control. but she is suffering. she is getting more and more frustrated that her sing song requests aren't communicating all that is in her mind. i know she feels frustrated that there aren't signs for all that she wants to tell me about thomas or little Einsteins. and this is motivating me. not guilt. i don't want to be motivated by guilt but like the blog post i read said,

"The term mom-guilt is good for dismissing ridiculous things that we feel bad about. But I also think it's provided an excuse for us to behave apathetically as moms at times--and that's a bad thing. We need to learn the difference between unwarranted mom guilt and mom guilt that says, "Focus on your kid. Put down your phone. Shut your computer. Stop folding laundry for ten seconds. You don't need to go to the mall. You need to play doctor for a full half n'hour and not try to get out of it. You need to watch Sesame Street WITH your kid once in a while instead of using it as an excuse to do what you want to do while it's on. The house can go without being vacuumed for an hour. The stuffed animals can stay right there in the middle of the living room floor--they're at a show."

We've got to learn this. We've got to admit that not all mom-guilt is bad. We need to remember......they'll never forget how we made them feel. Never. Not ever. "

i don't ever want beatrix to feel second. even though that is her birth order i don't want her to feel stuck in the middle. unseen. i love her so much i fear sometimes that my heart will explode. she is my fragile bird and i want her to always feel safe and wanted and needed and a valued part of our family. i want her to feel that something would be missing, a huge something if she were not here.

dear heavenly father,
you know beatrix. you know her and love her miles more than i do. we named her beatrix sparrow for a reason and like her name reminds me daily you love the sparrows. how much more do you love your children? i long to hear beatrix's voice. i have had dreams that she speaks to me and in those dreams i weep with happiness. ...thank you for teaching us about ourselves through our children. i confess that i struggle with laziness and that when things are tough for me i tend to give up. i confess too that i needed to be taught this and will probably need to learn it over and over again for the rest of my life. i am selfish at my core. thank you for showing me this before it is too late. like bea is slow in speaking i am slow in doing and i appreciate the grace that you have shown me. i do ask that you will help things to click in beatrix's mind when it comes to words and uttering them. i ask that you will help me to think of creative ways to help her. i thank you for the gift of children and for knowing what i need even when i don't agree initially. thank you for your patience with me over and over and over again.
i love you.
i need your help.
your child,
lydia

nine weeks

2012-02-06T15:36:00.003-05:00

look who keeps right on growing.

the most exciting change since her 7 weeks pictures is that penelope has been sleeping 6-8 hours in a row at night. i almost don't know what to do with myself! i have never had a baby sleep like that until they were a year or older. it is a blessing and one i am so very thankful for. she is so smiley and such a happy baby! i love waking up in the morning and seeing her little face look at me. she tries to coo and "talk" to matt and i and she is recognizing micah and beatrix's faces and smiling at them too. it has been so much fun having another little one in the house. since i cut out dairy a few weeks ago i have noticed a dramatic change in her. even though i really miss cheese and milk in my cereal, it has definitely been worth it!

halmark may be on to something

2012-01-31T23:54:00.005-05:00

halmark has demoralized valentine's day. they have turned it into a money making racket thus creating a bunch of cynics. "valentines day is just a made up holiday!" "valentine's day exsists just so corporate america can make more money!" "jewlery, chocolates or flowers is all women want on valentine's day"
however, i think this is sad because valentines day has all the potential in the world of being at least one of the top 3 "christian" holidays. christmas would be number one. i mean, obviously the day Jesus was born would have to be number one, right? the number two spot would go to easter. some would probably even argue that it should be number one, but personally i think you have to be born first. so the number two spot goes to easter. but the number three spot, i would argue, should go to valentine's day for sure. why? you ask. let me explain.

while micah was at school, i had hung up a heart garland that i had found while i was cleaning out a closet. and then before dinner i cut out a bunch of hearts and sewed them on the sewing machine and hung them up over our table. so tonight at dinner the conversation naturally turned to the topic of love. micah's school had sent home valentine grams. it's a fundraiser at school for the junior class, but basically you can write a nice note to someone and they give them candy or a flower or something like that for $ .50. we talked about friends and who he would like to send one of the grams to. i told him that would be fine to send one to a friend. he also said that he didn't think he needed to send one to daddy too because he had done that last year. i told him that i thought it would be a good idea to send it to both of them.
i asked him if he knew why i loved valentine's day so much. he said he didn't. i told him that i loved valentine's day so much because it was a holiday set aside just to celebrate love. he thought for awhile and then he said. i think we should write down why God loves us. "there are alot of verses in the Bible that talk about how much He loves us aren't there buddy?" he agreed. let's try to think of three of them, he said to me. right away this one came to my mind and i said, for God so Loved the world that he gave us his only son. micah eyes lit up and without over explaining it at all he got it. we can love because He loved us.

i know halmark has made this a holiday that most people groan over. i know it is primarily sold as a day set aside for significant others, but you know what i think? i think it is a day, that christians, especially should celebrate. so bust out your red or pink and say i love you.
our conversation made me want to call my sister, my two brothers, their spouses and all of their children and say, i love you. it made me want to call my 3 sister-in-laws, their pesky husbands, my nephews and my beautiful nieces just to say a quick i love you. i found myself wanting to call my parents and matt's parents and say, hey, just in case you forgot i want to tell you how much i love you. i wanted to call matt instantly and tell him, i really really love YOU matt harrison. i was able to say it to micah. and then to beatrix and once pips woke up i said it to her too. i want to be the sort of person that spreads love around like every day is valentine's day. even if it is cheesy. i don't even care that halmark has turned it into a joke. there is something beautiful about setting a whole day aside just to tell those you love that you do in fact feel that way.

maybe, valentine's day should be number ONE of the top "christian" holidays to celebrate.
after all, without love there wouldn't have been christmas or easter.

crafty goodness

2012-01-30T12:30:00.003-05:00

last friday i took the girls to my work so they could all meet penelope. it was a wonderful visit and it felt so good to get out of the house for the morning. while we were up that way i decided to stop in to my very favorite store, Anthropologie.
sigh...everything in there is unbelievably beautiful. i walked around slowly with pips in the sling and beebs in the stroller. i could go at whatever pace i wanted to. i wandered back to the clearance section and i spied these paper clips on sale for 7 dollars. i knew they would work perfectly attached to headbands for the girls.

i started by cutting them off the paperclip.

then i bought some snaps at the fabric store.

next i hand stitched two of them onto some super skinny elastic. i made the elastics long enough to fit beatrix and one to fit penelope. i also made two more headbands that i only sewed one snap to. that way they could wear just one butterfly or we could double it up for extra butterflyness.

i also hand stitched the top part of the snap onto all of the butterflies so i can mix and match them.

bea likes to wear them doubled up.

so pretty and a great deal too.

HOW I GET...{part 3}

2012-01-30T12:28:00.002-05:00

how i get breakfast made.

hours of entertainment

2012-01-30T12:24:00.001-05:00

did you know, you too can provide hours of free entertainment for your children with an empty diaper box? well, it's true. this is what we call a poor man's basketball hoop.

fun with a baby

2012-01-30T12:23:00.000-05:00

slobbering daddy's nose

penelope smiles

2012-01-30T09:04:00.001-05:00

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

garbage for dinner

2012-01-30T08:21:00.002-05:00

there are many things i love about matt. one of them being the fact that he can turn frustrating situations between micah and i into laughable moments.
he is a bomb defuser.
i had been working hard on dinner for over an hour one night last week. i had seen on a cooking show a recipe for risotto, which i love and never make because it takes so long. this was a recipe for almost-no-stir-risotto. i even broke open our bottle of champagne hidden away in the back of the fridge for the recipe. hey, it called for white wine. never mind the glass i poured for myself with the added couple of strawberries while i was cooking. ;) i had also made salmon and broccoli. micah came into the kitchen just as i was getting it all together, while holding pips in the sling i might add.
"what's for diiiinnnnner?" he whined
"salmon, rice risotto..."
"what's risotto?"
"just a kind of rice buddy."
"oh man! rice! gross!"
"well, that's nice to hear after cooking for over an hour."
"do i have to eat that?"
matt piped up, "no, you don't. you can have garbage!"
"yeah", i chimed in. "i'll make you some garbage."
micah looked at both of us, struggling between being frustrated and laughing. he decided to go with being frustrated and stomped out of the kitchen. my son does not do well when his blood sugar is low.
matt looked at me and got a slightly evil grin on his face. "watch this" he said.
he went to the garbage can with a plate and piled all kinds of nasty things on it and took the plate to the table with a fork. "micah" he yelled, "come to the table. your dinner is ready."

it's garbage for dinner.
micah was not amused, but matt and i almost peed our pants we were laughing so hard. it wasn't until we looked at the picture later that we realized it was even more disgusting due to the enormous cock roach on the plate. it makes me shiver just looking at it. so gross! haha
matt is great at diffusing explosive devises.

HOW I GET...{part 2}

2012-01-30T08:20:00.000-05:00

how i get dinner made.

sunday afternoons

2012-01-30T08:03:00.002-05:00

there is something extra sweet about sunday afternoons. there is the realization that monday will be here again soon and so sunday afternoons tend to get packed with all of the things that didn't get finished over the weekend. like car washing, which matt loves to do almost every weekend. the kids joined him last sunday by washing their own vehicles.

as i asked beatrix to look at the camera she moved the hose right over micah.
resulting in...

a wet shirt and thankfully, a smile.

my girl.
those are micah's baseball socks she has on. the socks go all the way up to her thighs like the leg warmers of the past.

i love pictures that tell a story. don't you? this one tells a great story. the two of them sitting next to each other watching a movie after cleaning their bikes. a bag of carrots bigger than penelope sits to the side of beatrix with a few directly behind them for easier access. the reappearance of pacifiers in our home and gripe water too for baby belly aches. beatrix's christmas kitchen is still planted in our living room because i haven't had time to move it.
this picture tells a story.
it is the best kind of picture.

just some cuteness

this is a project that kept getting put off. first i put it off because it was so hot when we first moved into the house i didn't want to stand outside long enough to paint the grates. then a baby came and well you know how that goes. so this last weekend was the one that matt said enough and he painted them himself. no more open vents in our ceiling.

oh, i need to take that dead poinsettia off of the tv cabinet too. sigh

HOW I GET... {a new series}

2012-01-30T07:59:00.002-05:00

how i get my shower.

beatrix is excited in this picture because she wanted both of them to wear their cupcake shirts. so funny

18 year old matt

2012-01-22T20:54:00.004-05:00

dear 18 year old matt,
i know that you have just entered the military and are probably on your way to iraq. i am sure you have no idea yet, but there is a girl in iowa who is going to love you someday and become your wife and drive you crazy and make you happy all at the same time. she will ask you to do all kinds of strange things. one day, many years from now, you will find yourself in a park, after a picnic with your friends, carrying a blanket, your wife's purse, a pillow for this wife who is nursing your newest baby and a publix bag full of a change of clothes for your three kids. most of the time you will do these things good naturedly because you will love this woman from iowa. but sometimes you will do it grudgingly and with a little mention of how 18-year-old-you would never have imagined this scenario.
well, 18-year-old-matt, i am writing to tell you that i appreciate that you will have to give up some things and some dreams that you would have liked to accomplish.
thank you. thank you for eventually becoming 36-year-old-matt. even though you are far from where your 18 year old self ever thought you would be.
i will love you.
love a girl from iowa

a few things i love

2012-01-22T20:40:00.004-05:00

i love his smile and his two missing front teeth. i love how much he loves to learn new things and how unbelieveably gentle and loving he is to his two sisters.

i love her spunk! and how much fun it is to fix her hair. i love how she calls me meme. i love when she comes in my room every morning and lays with me. and i love how empathetic she is which was a happy surprise.

i love her dimple fingers and her two little chins, i love her smell and her newness and the way her tounge touches the roof of her mouth when she grins.
i love these three little people.

on my watch

2012-01-22T20:33:00.002-05:00

it had been quiet for awhile.
however, that's not unusual with her. she will play by herself in her room all the time building things or reading books. i was busy on the computer working on penelope's 7 week pictures and when i went out to the living room this is how i found her, out like a light. she was all curled up on the couch with her mouth open a little bit, snoring softly and her 4 little turtles in her open hand by her side. i just sat there for awhile watching her sleep. thinking that she looked so little and so big at the same time. trying to freeze the image of her laying there in my mind. i went and laid pips down in her bed and then came back for beatrix. i picked her up and took her into her room. i laid luvy beside her, covered her with a blanket and walked slowly out of the room.

six going on sixteen

2012-01-22T20:10:00.003-05:00

i had a big fight with micah on saturday.
he was so mad at me.
he kept pestering me all morning to go on a walk with him because he wanted to ride his bike. well... honestly, i didn't want to. i was on a roll with cleaning and working on some other projects. penelope and matt were sleeping. beatrix was content playing, but micah kept coming to me every 5 minutes wondering what he could do. by the time matt did wake up i had had enough. i was so frustrated i felt like i was going to pop. micah had just come to ask me what to do, AGAIN and i looked at him and walked away. he stomped off and went into his room. the next thing i knew this sign was on his door. matt suggested i go in there and just tickle him or wrestle with him or do something physical. so i did. i marched in there with a ridiculous grin on my face trying to keep it light and playful and i tickled him till he almost peed. he was so mad, but yet he was laughing. he kept trying to hit me and i would just throw him back onto the bed. (not meanly at all, just messing around) anyway, it kept escalating so finally i took him into the bathroom and threw him in the shower with his clothes on. he was so MAD! i got my first, i hate you from him and that hurt, but matt suggested i let him be. so i did. i handled it totally differently than what was my intuitive response. beatrix was beside herself trying to comfort micah. i wanted to go in and comfort him, hug him, tell him i was sorry and probably over talk the situation too, but instead i just bit my tongue and waited. matt went in and talked to him. micah yelled that i was mean and matt told him that what i did was the opposite of mean, and that i was trying to mess around with him and get him out of his funk.
and it worked.
i don't know how but it worked.

my dad and i had a similar relationship to what micah and i have.
we are both talkers.
we would try to out talk each other in emotional situations like this. i would want him to hear me and he would want me to listen to him. my mom would often times have to step in. i would get madder and madder until i could hardly take it. i mean i really felt like i was going to explode. i am sure that is how micah felt yesterday. i think matt's suggestion to not engage in causing more anger and frustration, but to try to defuse it was good advice.
that's what parenting is all about, right?
trying to figure out what is going to work for each individual child....
it is ridiculously difficult.

seven weeks

2012-01-21T08:01:00.004-05:00

i tried the chair first...she just fell over asleep.

squishy

i love when she recognizes our voices or our faces and turns on this smile. how is it possible for a baby to smile with her whole body? she does though. when she isn't engaged she kind of just sits there, like a lump. but when she smiles? wow, it's like even her toes are grinning at you.
i love babies.

beatrix

2012-01-21T07:59:00.001-05:00

....i REALLY, lump in my throat, love you.

green stamps

2012-01-21T07:52:00.003-05:00

i almost gave all of these to the goodwill,
but matt rescued them from the box.
the previous owner of the house never got a chance to use these. green stamps date pretty far back. S & H green stamps were trading stamps that were popular from 1930-the 1980's. Customers would receive stamps at the checkout counters of supermarkets, department stores and gas stations which could be redeemed for products in a catalog provided by the company. we researched if they even still did it and sure enough you could still redeem green stamps for things like apple gift cards and many many other relevant stores. matt and micah spent an evening gluing and counting the stamps. we also researched how to go about redeeming the stamps. we had to glue them onto paper and count all of them. some had value of 50, while others were 20 or 10.

after all the counting was complete matt had something like 48,000 points. he looked at me with a very knowing and reprimanding look.
last week he finally received the email stating that his stamps had been received. i walked in the room as he was "spending" his stamps. he told me later that he spent it on two apple gift cards for i-tunes. "one for me", he said and then he grinned, "and i got you one too."

blurry love

2012-01-21T07:52:00.001-05:00

swing high swing low

2012-01-13T12:09:00.003-05:00

three days ago i was rejoicing over something as simple as poop in a potty and then last night i got a call that swung me back to the other side of things.

i knew my mom was going in for some tests yesterday. i thought it was gonna be pretty routine. she called me in the morning to tell me she was on her way to the doctor's office. i chatted a little but i was pretty distracted as is my normal state on the phone these days. i told her goodbye and i love you and then i didn't give it much thought after that. i did think about it again around 1. she told me she was going to call after the tests. when she didn't i figured it was because she got busy with something else.

the phone rang at 6:30. i let it go to voicemail. matt was still at PBA teaching his night classes and so after dinner i put micah in the shower, beatrix into the tub, i was cleaning up the kitchen and i was trying to finish nursing penelope. i was doing too much at once. while a friend held the baby, i finally had a chance to listen to her voicemail. she said that she didn't have kidney stones and that the blood in her urine was probably just because the infection was so bad, but she did want to talk to me about something else. that phrase is never good after your mom has gone to the doctor.

i called her back. bracing myself. she started off chit chatty...i wanted her to get right to it. so i asked. she told me that they did a CT scan of her abdomen and they found a tumor on her liver...silence. a what? a tumor on her liver. she told me it was small, 3 cm. but to me a tumor is a tumor is a tumor. a tumor. she told me they were going to send her to a liver specialist. she was still going to go on the trip with her family this weekend to mexico. she used the phrase, "it will be special." i didn't like the sound of that. i asked her how she was doing and she told me she had peace. she had been singing the song, "the Lord is good" over and over in her head. that is a whole nother discussion as far as i am concerned. she also told me that it was small, it could just be a collection of cells and vessels like her aneurysm was in her head. it could be non-cancerous. or it could be what i am dreading...cancer.

i just stood there at the sink, washing dishes. micah was yelling his head off for me. beatrix was screaming every 5 seconds meme, meme! penelope started to cry. she has gas. it is ridiculous how my life is all about poop right now, one who just put it in the potty and another one who can't seem to get it out. i was standing there with all of this going on around me and i couldn't think of anything to say. i probably failed right then at supporting my mom in her hour of need. but i found myself needy. and like so many times in my life when i get hard news, or something tough is coming i wanted to run. run out of that house and just keep running. run right down the street. i wanted to run to get a drink and then run to get a cigarette. i just wanted to run. i swallowed and turned off the water, then i said goodbye to my mom. i told her i needed to go and take care of the kids. but i still wanted to run.

i couldn't though. in fact the opposite happened. i was more than glued to that house. i finally got beatrix out of the tub and into bed with help from a friend, i got micah out of the shower, dressed and into bed, and i finished feeding penelope who continued to cry off and on for the next 4 hours. in the midst of that insanity i had lots of time to think and pray. i thought about anything and everything i could think of in those 4 hours. i had no way of escape and it was probably the best thing for me.

i don't know what is going to happen with my mom. it could be something simple like a surgery to remove it and that is it. or it could be. well, the other. i do know this much. she has gone through so much physically that it would be great if she could catch a break on this one. please God, could you let my mom catch a break? ...please?

i need to take it one day at a time.
its amazing to me how life can swing so high but just as quickly it can swing terribly low.

rejoicing over what???

2012-01-11T10:45:00.002-05:00

{warning-this is a post about poop}
she did it!
she finally did it!
and i am so happy that i wanna cry.
it took the right motivation i guess. and that came in the form of a little einstein's video about birthdays that she has been talking about for months. i looked it up last week and decided to buy it and make it her poopy video. i started all of this by giving her some fiber gummies for a week, to loosen it all up just a bit. (they are for kids don't worry) when i got the video in the mail, i told her that she could watch it every time she went poop in the potty.
it came two days ago.
she carried it everywhere yesterday asking me if she could watch it. i told her she could if she went poop in the potty. she asked me again this morning and i told her the same thing. she gave me a look and then she went into the bathroom. i could hear a couple of little grunts. she called me in. there wasn't anything but i could tell she was trying. "not yet honey, nothing has come out yet." i went back to the living room. she worked on it for a couple more minutes. she called me again, "meme!" i went back and there it was.
right there in the potty.
i couldn't believe it!
i am tearing up again.
i mean i knew that she wouldn't start kindergarten pooping in her diaper, but well, honestly i was starting to wonder. this has given me a window into beatrix.
a big window.
A. when she decides to do something she will do it.
B. it takes the right motivation.
and
C. positive reinforcement means everything to my little girl because she was positively glowing when i praised her for putting her poop where it belongs!

catching up

2012-01-06T11:34:00.009-05:00

the pictures are out of order, but that's ok. it is a miracle that i got them on here at all.

my brain is foggy and fuzzy and all around not clear. going from sleeping regularly to not very often is playing tricks on my brain. i drop sentences in the middle of speaking, i don't remember when matt and micah leave in the morning to go to school, i have fallen asleep in the rocking chair more than once and i stand in one place in the house trying to remember what it was i was on my way to do. but it is worth it cause penelope is growing and that is what is important.

we had visitors for christmas and it was wonderful. my parents were here for almost a week around christmas. it was fun having them here. they took the kids on a two-mile-one-way-walk the first day they were here, we went to the new chipmunks movie one day and went to a huge bonfire on the beach later that same night. it was comical getting anywhere with all 7 of us because we would either have to make two trips or mom and i would have to sit in the back of our car. hilarious! most of the time we hung out around home watching movies. my mom and i got to go shopping for a couple of hours one day and we went to christmas eve and christmas day service at our church, which was within walking distance.

she is 3 weeks old...
i look huge. someday, i will look back on this picture and not think that at all but for now i look at it and think, "i look huge!"

one of the lego sets that micah got for christmas. the age suggestion on this one was 7-12 years. ??? um, hello lego company? my son is 6!

3 days after my parents left matt's parents arrived for a visit. micah was ecstatic as he got a second christmas and more grandparents willing to give him lots of attention. matt and his parents took the kids fishing one day while i went to the doctor. micah was itching to use his new pole that he got for christmas. he also showed them his 4 lego sets that he got and promptly put together in less then 24 hours, it was amazing. beatrix enjoyed showing them her new Thomas the Train pillow and cooking food for them in her new kitchen. they all enjoyed playing games on their i-pads. will i even know what an i-pad is when i re-read this in years to come? one evening matt, his dad and his mom were all sitting on the couch playing with their own i-pads while i sat feeding penelope. it was pretty comical. we had a nice relaxed time and lots of fun. one afternoon we did manage to make it to the ocean for a walk on the pier, followed by pizza downtown lake worth and ice cream.
it is wonderful when family visits! i love living in south florida and i love my families...but i wish i could somehow meld the two together. matt and i are guessing they will retire somewhere close by, both sets expressed how much they loved our weather.

five weeks

2012-01-06T11:11:00.002-05:00

do you see it? the swirl of blond on pips' head? it isn't a trick of the light, it's really there. a foreshadowing of a color to come?

beatrix has warmed up to penelope and gives her hourly head kisses.

this is where you can find me the majority of the hours in a day.
in this white chair with this little baby, with no makeup, with my hair not fixed and with some sort of lounge wear on my unshowered body.
isn't life great? :)

while i sit...

2012-01-06T11:09:00.003-05:00

...i might as well be comfortable and creative.

a yearly tradition

2012-01-06T11:03:00.003-05:00

this is my husband matt.
have i mentioned before that he is a little wacky?
well he is, and it is one of the things i love about him. he declared that this year and every year hence forth he will do a polar bear swim on christmas morning. for those of you in the great white north right now this might not sound so bad considering we live in south florida and all, but i assure you on christmas morning the water in that pool is no longer comfortable.

as evidenced by micah running away before his daddy could throw him in the pool.
mom, i love you in jammies and your christmas scarf holding a new baby. beautiful!

the crazy kid came back for more though...

and got himself dunked. he liked it, don't worry.

a special treat that my parents were with us for christmas this year. the first time we have had company on christmas in our home. it was wonderful and i appreciated the extra hands for entertainment of my children purposes. i love when my dad is on vacation. he smiles alot.

christmas eve

2012-01-06T10:52:00.001-05:00

sigh...

three weeks

2012-01-06T10:51:00.000-05:00

blurryed beauty

2012-01-06T10:48:00.003-05:00

Pepper Blossom's photostream

2012-01-06T10:02:00.001-05:00

Pepper Blossom's photostream on Flickr.

{day one} breakfast for beebs

we wish you...

2011-12-25T21:13:00.002-05:00

...a merry christmas

and a happy new year!

with love,

matt, lydia, micah, beatrix and penelope

the night

2011-12-15T08:57:00.004-05:00

first bath

2011-12-15T08:52:00.002-05:00

pips didn't enjoy her first bath very much. and i have a feeling this picture is going to be a representation of my life for the next while. multitasking. beebs is showing me a bug while i am bathing penelope. both of them needing my attention. i find this has been the biggest adjustment. beatrix, thankfully isn't taking her anger out on the baby, but on me. she misses me, i get that. i remember micah feeling the same way. it is a tough spot to be in as a mama. beatrix and i had a good thing going and it has gotten interrupted. i cried about it last night. i miss her too. but that is what having a new little one is all about, adjusting. i know in my heart that in a couple of months it will be ok, but right now in the moment i cry about it because it is a big change for me too.

a week old

2011-12-15T08:47:00.002-05:00

how does one capture how small newborn infants really are?

i want to remember all of her tiny parts. i find myself trying to memorize each and every detail. knowing she is my last infant makes me want to enjoy every single moment even if i do feel like a zombie for the majority of those moments.

her tiny bottom fits in the palm of my hand.

her toes are smaller then my pinky fingernail.

her peely skin and fuzzy hair will quickly be replaced by sunburns and braids.

i love love love baby toes.

fun with a fake stache

2011-12-15T08:46:00.001-05:00

HA!

christmas shows and a baby on his chest

2011-12-15T08:41:00.002-05:00

it is a scene that is so familiar.

a baby resting on his chest.

my big, strong, scary husband is so comfortable with a babe on his chest and christmas movies on the tv.

just like me

2011-12-15T08:14:00.002-05:00

micah has lost two teeth now. i say lost when what i mean is matt cornered him and pulled them out. you see my son is like me. when i was little my mom used to have to corner me somewhere, usually while i was taking a bath so she could pull my snaggle teeth out. they were usually only hanging by a thread. micah is the same way. he was glad once they were out though.

beebs thinks she has a wiggly tooth too.

penelope noel darling harrison

2011-12-09T21:51:00.007-05:00

Penelope came into our lives at 2:53 on Friday, December 2nd, 2011. the picture above was taken 20 minutes after she was born and that is how she entered the world, wide eyed.

last wednesday i had a doctor's appointment and the decision was made to have me induced on Friday. we called friends to figure out who would watch beatrix and micah and matt made arrangements with his school to have a substitute. everything was in order. except for my nerves. i barely slept thursday night. i got up early, before everyone else, took a shower and just stood there looking at my belly, watching her roll around under my skin, knowing that in a matter of hours she was going to be out. outcome unknown, but she would be out.

matt was a ball of nerves and excitement. it radiated off of him. i was beyond thankful for his quiet optimism, evident by a squeeze of my hand, or a knowing smile. he gets me, i remember thinking to myself, he really and truly gets me. we woke up the kids and got them dressed, bags had been packed the night before. they were excited to go to friend's house to play all day. i knew micah was aware of what was going on that day. i was thankful they had each other. we dropped them off and drove to the hospital. we parked. i wished again i could run away. the fact that running would trigger labor anyway is what kept me walking into the hospital. we showed our IDs and took the elevator up to labor and delivery. it was so very familiar even though it had been three years that we had made the same trip for our little beatrix.

forms to fill out at the front desk and once i was in the room, clothed in an ugly hospital gown. (who designs those gowns anyway? surely not a pregnant woman! otherwise they would be prettier to look at, knowing that they would be in your baby's very first pictures!) we arrived in the room at 7:30 and the pitocin was finally administered at 9:00. my doctor made an appearance soon after that. he not only checked me but also broke my water right away. i asked him just how fast he wanted this birth to go, since it was my fourth and i was on pitocin. he responded with, i was thinking by lunch time. i looked at the clock and said that's in 3 hours. he grinned and said, i take my lunch at 1:00.

my contractions started very quickly after that. matt and i played phase ten for an hour or so and then by 11:30 they were every 2-3 minutes and i was having to breath through them. the nurse came in to check me and i was dilated to 3 1/2. she told me that she was going to call anesthesia to see if i could get the epidural early. she popped back into our room a few minutes later and said that it was a go and they would be in our room by 12:15. i looked at matt and said, "this really is happening fast!"

matt excused himself from the room while two wonderful ladies came in and gave me sweet relief via a huge needle in my back. i was sitting on the bed with my face in a pillow feeling very nervous since the epidural with beatrix hadn't gone very smoothly, my nurse daisy was standing across from me watching the baby's and my pulse on the monitor. i raised my head up from the pillow and said in a scared and shaky voice, "daisy? would you hold my hand please?" her beautiful brown eyes softened and she grabbed my hand and whispered, "of course baby. you are doing great!" the epidural went without a hitch! in fact it was pretty much painless. the ladies who did it were so sensitive and tender.

after that matt came back in and we watched the rest of mission impossible, i dozed off and on for an hour or so. around 2 i noticed that the baby's heart beat had dropped down into the 100's. i called daisy just to talk to her about it. she came into the room and told me that would start happening because as the baby got lower her heart beat would slow down. she told me i was going to have a baby soon! she asked me if i was feeling any pressure yet and i told her i wasn't feeling anything. she smiled and said to let her know when i was. i apologized for calling her in and she told me that i could call her every two minutes if it made me feel better. i think matt and i fell in love with that woman! i sat back and tried to relax and not let my mind wonder to all that could still go wrong, when two minutes after daisy left i said, WHOA! matt asked me what was wrong and i told him that i knew what she meant by pressure. i called her in again and said i am feeling crazy pressure now. she checked me right away and told me i was at a 9 1/2. she left the room quickly to call the doctor. then she came back to our room and asked me to lie on my side with my legs together. i guess when it is your 4th time delivering a baby the chances are a little higher that the doctor won't make it in time.

several things happened very quickly. the baby's nurse came in and started prepping the area for the baby. they wheeled in the instruments for our doctor. matt stood up and moved the large chair he had been sitting in out into the hallway and the reality hit me hard that in a few minutes time we were going to have a baby. i don't know why after being pregnant for 9 months i still hadn't grasped the fact that we were in fact adding to our family. the pressure was getting so intense that i had to concentrate on not pushing. and just in time Dr. Andarsio walked in. they put my legs up and matt said, "oh my gosh lydia" he covered his mouth and laughed, "her head is right there!" i looked at the doctor's face and sure enough he said, "yep, it isn't going to take much to get her out." daisy was on my left and matt was on my right side and just like that i was pushing. the time had come to push. i looked at the clock it was 2:50. i was going to have a baby in a matter of minutes. i pushed once and daisy said, "no no honey! push down! push down!" i took a deep breath and pushed again, down this time. i could feel her coming. i took another deep breath and pushed with all my might. she slid out and the doctor put her right on to my chest. i just laid there crying and looking at her. she was here. penelope was here. the cord was wrapped up and around her neck but it wasn't wrapped totally around which we were thankful for. i looked at matt, he was crying too and looking very relieved. in fact he kind of went against the wall and slid down onto the floor. i asked him if he was alright, the nurse did too. he nodded his head yes and just took some deep breaths.

after they cleaned penelope up the doctor looked me over and said well done mama and then he headed back to his practice. the nurses finished cleaning up the room and matt and i and penelope were left alone. it felt so surreal. i looked at matt sitting across from me with her in his arms and we just kind of laughed. then i started to cry because this was the first time in 4 births that we were able to just sit in the room holding our baby after delivery. every other time our babies had been rushed out of the room to intensive care. it felt good and healing. we both knew that God was allowing us to experience the very best this time around. it was a gift and we were thankful, so very thankful.

our friend kate brought micah and beatrix up to see us later that night. the kids were excited to see us and micah requested to hold her right away. our friends nicole, ashlea and quinn were there too and the room felt Holy. before micah and beatrix got there ashlea started to sing....nervously at first and then we all joined her. we sang God is good...it was a precious time.

little pips...a little package with a large name. here is the story of her name.

penelope is a character in one of matt's favorite stories, the Odyssey. Penelope was the faithful wife of Odysseus, who kept her suitors at bay in his long absence and was eventually reunited with him. the name has come to be associated with a loyal, capable and clever woman. we thought these were admirable traits.

Noel is because we wanted something christmasy since her birthday was in december. matt also liked that noel is french.

Darling is the part of her name that we have gotten the most questions about. i was adamant that darling be included in her name. ...after finn passed away i read the book peter pan. matt had already read it and was planning on teaching it at his school. we were both struck with the fact that like peter pan we had a son that would never grow up. he would always be a baby in our minds. i wanted penelope to have darling because that is the last name of the children in peter pan that did grow up. they played with peter pan, even went to his never neverland but they came home, grew up and had adventures of their own. there was something redeeming to me about giving her that name.

penelope noel darling

a week out from her birth and i am happy.

i am so thankful and beyond ecstatic that she is here. we are enjoying the baby smells in our home and the baby sounds.

it is a blessed christmas season and one that we are rejoicing over.

pips is home

2011-12-05T07:56:00.003-05:00

meet penelope noel darling harrison.

the newest member of our clan.

can't wait to tell you all about her and her birth.

coming soon

{thirty nine and a half}

2011-11-30T16:05:00.003-05:00

39 and a half weeks and i have an induction date scheduled.

if i don't go in to labor between now and friday december 2nd that is the day pips will enter the world.

i'm scared.

there are so many steps between now and holding her safely in our arms.

i long to hold her safely in my arms.

36 years ago today...

2011-11-29T11:17:00.003-05:00

...this happy little guy was born.

it seems as if he came out with a love for christmas and holidays and good times.

matt turns 36 today. 36. what in the world? it's hard to believe we were only 22 when we met. i am proud of the man that i married. i am in love with the man that i married. and most of the time i even really like the man that i married. isn't that great?

i bought matt cologne for his birthday this year. i think the last time matt had a bottle of actual store bought cologne was the year after we got married. yes, as in 10 years ago. he always smells nice, but the other day he politely said, "i think i would like to smell good again. why don't you pick me out something that you like?" so i did just that. and i picked a good one! i wanted to sit and smell him all day. sigh, men who smell great are really something special, aren't they?

what else can i say about this man? he has been patient with me through many ups and downs, he is an amazing father to our 2 almost 3 children, he loves reading and never stops learning, and he does silly, adventurous and surprisingly meaningful things, like join the VFW. i love him. i really and truly thank God that we are together. there have been many times through out our marriage where if we would have split up i am sure the world would not have blamed us, but God helped us persevere and i am so thankful that we have.

happy 36th birthday my love!

it looks great on you. xo

her legacy

2011-11-23T07:09:00.007-05:00

this is how i will always remember matt's grandma, lawna scott harrison. enjoying christmas and with a little point and shoot or disposable camera in her hands. she loved christmas which is probably how matt comes by it so honestly.

the night before halloween matt got a call from his dad that grandma had gone into the hospital to check out some pain. while she was there she had major bleeding, then her heart stopped and they had to do CPR, which broke a couple of ribs, which then triggered her lung filling with fluid and she just went downhill from there. she had a couple of hope full days where everyone thought she might pull through. then on veteran's day matt got another call that she may not make it through the night. matt and i talked about it and he got in the car and drove right to orlando to say goodbye. it was a hard weekend for him. full of memories. full of wishes of more time spent with this lovely lady who laughed a lot and was ALWAYS witnessing to someone. seriously, she had a supply of tracts in her purse. it worked for her though. people responded to her kindness and sincerity.

last night around 8, we got that call. the one that we had been expecting since they moved her to hospice the day before, but still it was hard to get. i knew from matt's tone while he was talking to his dad that it had happened. it takes awhile for things like this to really hit me and this morning it did. i lay awake in bed thinking about being married to matt for over 60 years and what it would be like to wake up that first morning after knowing that i wouldn't see him again on earth. i wouldn't smell him or touch him or walk past him. i wouldn't kiss him or cook for him, remind him to take his pills, or get mad at him for being a nasty old man. those are the thoughts i had this morning. i thought of grandpa, alone and what that must feel like. grandma was finally at peace, but grandpa...i don't think that man has ever been alone.

and then my mind turned to heaven. what must grandma have woken up to this morning? did she wake up to her mother, her father, the sister she never met who passed before her? did my grandpa saunter over to her and ask how we all were and to make the connection that they did indeed have a connection? did finn...did finn run to her? did he ask her how we were? did he grab her by the hand and say, "i can't wait to show you around! grandpa and i have this place figured out." did she laugh and skip and take deep breaths of clean and crisp air. did she breathe deeply and fill her lungs? lungs that had been so heavy for a month with liquid. did she sing? did she join the chorus?

heaven.

i don't know what i think about heaven totally. i don't know if it is a place, or a state of "mind" or something that we tell ourselves we go to before Jesus comes back and creates a new heaven and a new earth. i am not a scholar of heaven. what i do know is that God promises no more tears after we die, and that to be absent from this body, this body that decays and breaks, is to be present with Him. i don't know the rest.

i do know that matt's grandma passed away 8 years almost to the day that my grandpa passed away. 8 years he has been gone. i can still hear his voice and feel his hug with his rough facial hair as he asks, "how's my girl?" it is great and powerful and awesome to think that someday i will hear that again. i will see grandma smile, maybe offer me something delicious or tell me about all the beauty there is to see. someday, i have to believe that we will be reunited. i have to believe this because the missing, well the missing is just too much to take without hope. hope that we will indeed see each other again.

goodbye for now grandma harrison. you have left a legacy that has traveled down to your sons and through them to your grandchildren and even unto your great grandchildren. you lived a life of joy and blessing others with your life. you served and loved your husband faithfully for 67 years. you reveled in your family, enjoying every picture that was sent to you and peppering your house with their images. you decorated for christmas and made cookies every year. you loved and were loved and we will miss your presence here.

we will miss.

peace.

rest in sweet sweet peace.

clementine

2011-11-22T17:12:00.005-05:00

i love this time of year. not only has the weather finally cooled to a manageable temperature, but it is also full of holidays. and holidays mean wonderful food!

just a couple of weeks ago i said to micah, "i can't wait for it to be clementine season" to which he replied with a "mmmmm, me either mommy!"

yesterday i was at the grocery store and there they were.

in their happy wooden boxes.

i snatched one up and as soon as i got home i said, "micah i got us a surprise!"

i pulled the container out of the bag...

and we peeled 4 of them right than and there.

clementine would make a beautiful name for a baby born this time of year.

wink wink

thanksgiving feast and the shadow

2011-11-22T16:59:00.004-05:00

i don't know how long this phase of life is going to last, but it sure has been a fun one. i will be sad when its time is over. what phase? the shadow phase. the phase where beatrix likes everything and i mean everything about her big brother.

friday micah's class had a thanksgiving feast. it was supposed to be outside but due to rain we set up blankets in one of the first grade classrooms on the floor.

(yeah that was fun getting up and down :)

at the beginning the teachers had each one of the kids stand up and tell 4 things that they were thankful for. mister and his shadow waited patiently.

and as you can see when it was his turn she stood up with him. it was so precious i just sat there grinning and praying. i was praying that though this phase may not last for much longer that it will come again. i prayed that they will be close like this for their whole lives.

micah and his class gave us all a preview of the christmas concert. they sang one of the songs complete with marching and hand motions. [the performance is scheduled for 2 days after my due date. will i be huge or will we have a little one by then? hmmmm] and though beebs had never even heard the song before she jumped right up with him, stood there for a minute...

and then danced right a long with him.

for pips with love

2011-11-21T18:18:00.006-05:00

my dearest pip squeak,

saturday we took pictures of you. your brother and sister were not excited at all, but i thought it was important. i wanted you to see what mommy looked like when i was carrying you around. micah and beatrix eventually warmed up to it, but it took them awhile. i do not feel the most beautiful in these pictures, but you know what? 60 year old lydia would tell me to get over it! and that is what i tried to do.

we are excited to meet you and have you join this craziness. we all wonder what your personality will be like, who you will resemble, and how you will change our family dynamic.

you will be loved that is for certain.

we are excited to meet you soon.

very very soon.

love to you,

and please...come out easy!

mommy

[these pictures were taken by my friend kate, she did a beautiful job! thank you kate]

future tense

2011-11-17T12:30:00.006-05:00

there are 18 days until my official due date of december 5th.

18 days.

one. eight.

that is nothing!

when i get down to these last few days, and this pregnancy is no exception, i find that i have to force myself to think in future tense. i force myself into getting baby clothes washed and ready. i force myself to wash sheets and set up the bed and buy diapers and wipes. i force myself to speak in future terms such as "when the baby and i come home from the hospital, or when the baby cries mommy will have to feed her to make her happy again." i force myself to buy an outfit for her to come home in.

but if i'm really being honest, what i want to do is wait. i would wait until we are home before i did any of it.

i went through beatrix's old clothes today to wash and sort for the new baby. i came across some of her special clothes and blankets that i set aside just for her to have someday. this purple blanket is one that my sister in law made for beatrix right after she was born. she made one for finn, for micah and for beatrix and i am sure that she will make one for pip....

when she is here.

i force myself to do future tense things.

like wash the clothes she will need for the first 3 months.

like make a sling that i will carry her in.

i force myself to think future tense thoughts...

like i WILL carry her in this sling.

i will open this package of clothes.

i will not save it to take back in case something happens.

i hate this!

i hate that this is the lot i have been dealt. i hate that i can't think future tense thoughts without having it somewhere in the back of my head that all of this preparation may be a waste of time. i hate that i don't expect it to go anything other then perfectly. i really resent that i have to think like this. it makes me so mad sometimes.

i just want to scream.

but i don't.

i don't scream.

i cry sometimes. especially in the dark.

i give God an ear full about it sometimes, especially in the dark.

and i take a deep breath and i rip right through the packaging.

i force myself to think in future tense.

{thirty seven}

2011-11-17T12:28:00.001-05:00

my husband, the old man

2011-11-10T07:40:00.003-05:00

are you a veteran? did you fight in a forward area in a foreign country? are you 65? if you answered yes to all of these questions then you too could join the VFW! well, except for the 65 year old criteria. that is up for discussion as my 35 year old husband did just that last night. we got a babysitter and everything. it was a special occasion.

in all seriousness though, matt was very excited about joining the VFW. it is something that i will probably never really understand. a lady with long blond hair and a weathered face and slightly dazed expression hugged me when i entered the post and said, "welcome home!" i looked at matt confused and told myself, "lydia, just go with it." so i looked at her and smiled sweetly, hiding the laugh that was threatening to escape, and simply said, "thank you". matt just grinned and i felt like i had gone back in time about 30 years.

the meeting where matt was invited to become a member was very top secret and it took some discussing whether or not i should be permitted to snap a couple of pictures. i thought they were joking, but they really weren't. matt was the youngest member in that room by about 25 years and while they were doing the ceremony one of the men tripped over his speech and said, "we haven't done this in years". i thought about that comment a long time last night.

the VFW is literally dying out, the current members are dying and the younger vets aren't replacing them. and as i looked around that dirty, old nicotine stained room i kind of understood why. they have no money to adapt to the fact that on the outside of those walls time is marching on. time hadn't affected that room at all. i am not the most patriotic person around, but right there in that dirty VFW with those few men and women who had fought in a forward area and had been in harms way, i softened a little. this was their safe place. this was where they felt the most relaxed, the most like being home. it made me sad, just a little bit. and though matt wouldn't go so far as to say it felt like home, there was an unspoken understanding between he and those ex-soldiers.

immediately following the meeting the members boned up on their recruitment skills asking matt to lead this and charter that and spear head this committee. i got a bit panicky until i heard matt say, "there will be plenty of time for all of that, but right now we are a little busy with a new baby coming. don't worry, i'm not going anywhere." hmmm...don't worry, i'm not going anywhere....i bet that was music to those old veterans' ears. veterans who hadn't "done this in years."

riding a bike

2011-11-10T07:23:00.003-05:00

the training wheels came off...

and daddy ran beside...

triumph!

food and clean water

2011-11-09T08:50:00.002-05:00

yesterday the principal at trinity was going around to classrooms talking to all the kids about Operation Christmas Child. if you have been living under a rock and don't know what this program is all about i will break it down for you a bit. community groups put together shoe boxes full of suggested items like toothbrushes, toothpaste, underwear, combs, hair bands, and a few candies or small toys. you can either make a box for a boy or a girl.

well, mrs. ansell, the principal was telling matt yesterday during his break that she was in micah's classroom and she asked the class, "what are some things that we can put in our boxes?" several of the kids raised their hands to answer her question. she noticed micah's hand was raised and she called on him,
"yes, micah. what do you think we could put in their boxes?"
micah responded, "i don't think they need any of those things. what they really need is food and clean water!"
mrs. ansell told matt that she had a very difficult time not laughing because he was just saying it like it was. let's cut to the chase, mrs. ansell what they need is those things! ha! i love it! she replied to him, "you are right they do really need those things and the people who bring the children the boxes do bring food and clean water to the communities as well." micah seemed relieved.

when matt was telling me the story last night before we fell asleep we were both laughing and then i said, "he must be getting a few of the things he hears us talking about." i fell asleep thinking, yes indeed, what they really need is food and clean water.

fathers and sons

2011-11-07T12:43:00.012-05:00

i'm sure i have said it on here before, but i love watching micah and matt together. it is one of my greatest joys.

micah had another t-ball game on saturday and this one was different for two reasons. number one it was at 9 in the morning which meant it was cooler temperature wise and for an 8 month pregnant woman that is something to be celebrated for sure. number two reason was that matt got to coach micah's team. the coach called him last week and told matt that he wouldn't be able to make it and would matt be interested in covering for him? and just so you know, matt was so "willing" to coach micah's team that he could hardly sleep friday night from sheer excitement.

this little one was pretty pumped to have daddy coach too. he ran right out to the field and started playing catch with matt and the other kids who had shown up early.

my lady and i watched the excitement from this side of the fence.

matt wasn't sure how many parents would show up so he asked a few of the guys from the high school baseball team to come and help out with coaching on the bases and in the out field. and what a help they were. the little kids thought it was pretty great that the big boys showed up to help them. and from what the "big boys" told me they were happy to be there too. in fact they told matt they wanted to come next week and help out again.

100% into Thomas!

scoring!

phil, the boy with the glasses, was in the dug out and there was also a father in there with his son. phil said that he was listening to the father give this little boy a hard time about something. when the little boy came up to bat again, phil was coaching home plate and he put his arm around the kid and whispered, "my dad was hard on me too, it will be alright". what phil witnessed really struck a nerve with him and because he was there he was able to reach out to that little boy. who knows if the kid will remember their interaction, but i know phil will.

father and son relationships are so important. vital in my opinion! there is nothing that can replace the desire of a son's heart to please his father. i witnessed it with phil and i witnessed it with micah and matt. matt's role in our son's life (beatrix's too) is ridiculously important! micah will learn to be a man from him. he will learn what kindness and patience and persistence look like and what it looks like to love his wife and family, from matt...

i am so thankful for the role that matt plays in our children's lives.

...in the lives of his students that he loves like his own...

...in the life of this little man that we are raising together.
father and son.
i love watching their relationship.

{thirty five}

2011-11-03T13:43:00.002-04:00

december 5th is coming quickly.
i am spending these last few weeks getting ready for christmas, washing baby clothes and other nesting type jobs around the house. i am going in for weekly doctor visits now. and i have labor and delivery dreams almost every night. the baby is measuring right on schedule. matt is getting very excited. every time we do something now (watch tv, read a book, go to church, or do the nighttime routine with the kids) my mind goes to how different our lives will be here very soon. last night micah asked me how many days are left until pips comes.
i gulped, and said 34 days!

the costumes and tricks or treats

2011-11-01T09:33:00.008-04:00

Beatrix and Micah have watched the movie RIO enough to have it memorized. and honestly i don't blame them. it is a super cute movie! micah told me a couple of months ago that he really wanted to be one of the characters for halloween. and of course beebs chimed in {in her own special way} that she wanted to be jewel. which is this beautiful blue bird above. and so i set it out to create their costumes. i laid awake a few nights dreaming of different ways to turn them into birds. when it finally came together in my mind i bought the supplies, put it off for a few more days, and then started it a week before halloween. nothing like a deadline, right? i didn't know how i was going to make it happen, i just had an image in my head that i was shooting for. can i just tell you that almost every minute i sat at that sewing machine i was praying? well, it's true, i did. i prayed a lot last week.

bea's finished costume.

complete with tail...

and pink flower in her hair, i mean feathers.

micah wanted to be nico which is the little yellow canary seen in this picture. he is a pretty cool bird in the movie and once again, i do not blame my son for wanting to be something so awesome for halloween. however, when he started stipulating what the costume had to look like and what it needed to include i began to feel a teensy bit overwhelmed. {read that as saying i bit off more then i thought i could chew} he really wanted to make sure i made the bottle cap hat. i had no idea how i was going to do it. like i said i prayed alot, God cares about these things. and it finally came to me. i completed his costume sunday afternoon.

he was MORE than thrilled.

the bottle cap hat. which, you guessed it, stayed on for the pictures.
"sure, buddy, i'll be happy to carry that around the whole neighborhood for you."
no. big. deal.
sigh....mothers

my two birds. they were so happy.

here are the finished pumpkins.
can you guess which one is matt's?
that man is a twisted soul! :)

matt requested i make him a collar for his costume. forgive me father for i have sinned. haha
i tried to find a nun costume and couldn't. i thought about making one for myself for like two seconds. i was sewed out! while i was walking around the neighborhood a lady asked me what i was. i said "oh, i just threw my husband's pirate wig on".
she said, "you mean you really are pregnant?"
i looked at her confused and said, "yes"
and then she said, "oh i thought that was fake and you were dressed as a pregnant hippy." hmmmmm....that's weird.

when we got home beatrix asked for a sucker. i let her and micah have a couple of pieces of candy. a little while later i noticed she didn't have it anymore.
"where did your sucker go beebs?"
she looked around for it and couldn't find it.
matt laughed and said, "it's probably on the floor somewhere".
soon after that i was taking her costume off and something sticky bummed my hand. i looked through all the feathers and held it up for matt to see.
"i found the lost sucker!"

this was our spoil at the end of the night and the last 10 pounds i will gain before this baby comes. ha! matt made me promise not to throw any of it away. however, i may hide it in baggies through out the house. my will power is a little low these days.

Happy Halloween!

pumpkin carving

2011-11-01T09:29:00.002-04:00

we came home from the church and carved pumpkins. matt kept laughing to himself like he had something good up his sleeve.

i LOVE how micah had his pumpkin face all planned out.
our son is very very detail orientated.

don't worry i took the knife away right after this picture. i just thought it was funny how determined he was to stab, i mean carve, that pumpkin.

trunk or treat ???

2011-11-01T09:23:00.003-04:00

halloween eve our church had something called TRUNK or treat. now this concept was foreign to me until a couple of weeks ago. i guess it is something that a lot of churches are doing now. i'm not sure what i think about it. the concept is a bunch of cars parked in the church parking lot and people in the trunks handing out candy to kids in their costumes.
a little strange, right?
it rained sunday night so our trunk or treat got moved inside. the kids were mostly just thrilled to get to wear their costumes twice.

they had games set up through out the room. this game you had to push the pumpkin around with your head. beatrix followed micah around to every single game.

beatrix is three

2011-10-21T17:12:00.013-04:00

the baby of the house turned three yesterday and so, i guess, officially loses her title of "baby of the house". yesterday morning we woke up bright and early and gave beatrix her first present. i knew that this present would get used all day long. grandma and grandpa harrison sent her a new swim suit.

she loved it!

then we had cinnamon rolls.

after a breakfast of cinnamon rolls, friends of ours, who were visiting from michigan and happened to be staying with us during beatrix's birthday, went swimming. then we got dressed and went to the turtle sanctuary. i wanted them to see the sea turtles and i thought it would be fun for beatrix since her birthday theme was turtles and thomas the tank engine. (we had a T party) i did not take my camera because i have taken pictures of the kids at the turtle sanctuary many times. however, when we arrived we were told that they were releasing one of the turtles back into the ocean at noon that day. so i have no pictures of that (bummer!), but it was an incredible thing to witness and a pretty special memory for bea's 3rd birthday. we also played around on the beach afterwards for an hour or so and we all got burned. the sun felt wonderful!

we had lunch and matt put the kids down for a nap while our friends' kids went swimming. while our kids were napping i made bea's cupcakes. i saw a picture of these on a site called pinterest and knew i had to make them for bea. it was micah's idea to use the graham crackers as sand.

she loved them!

the sign i made had thomas colors (from her party hats) and sea turtles.

singing happy birthday again. she loved it every time.

a cooking set from auntie dajana and uncle peter.

a jewelry box from pastor shirley and mr. jim.

and a thomas matching game from grandpa and grandma harrison. my parents also sent beatrix a big box of all kinds of treasures like halloween pencils, straws and bubbles, flash cards, suckers, a coloring book, and a card with $10 in it. i forgot to take a picture of her opening it because we were outside by the pool. sorry mom and dad but she loved it!

our friend ashlea came over for cupcakes too and she had a card for beatrix. after bea opened the card ashlea took beatrix outside to her car. all the kids followed like little ducks to see what bea was going to get. ashlea had been planning this for months. she got to the car, opened the door and handed bea the largest....

...turtle float ever! you should have seen bea's face. she gasped!

it was a wonderful day! beatrix couldn't stop smiling and it was a day full of taking in the moments and enjoying every second. matt and i were sitting on the beach watching her and i said to him, "i never want to forget this".

we love you beatrix and we are so thankful for the amazing 3 years that we have had with you in our lives. your presence in our family is such a blessing! we love your spunk, your temper, your silliness, and your smile. you melt your daddy and me!

{thirty three}

2011-10-18T09:16:00.002-04:00

booooooooooo!

2011-10-18T07:25:00.004-04:00

Sunday we were sitting around the table after church having lunch and i was making the grocery list. i asked micah and matt what we should have for the week for dinners because i was tired of thinking of things to have. they started listing all kinds of ideas. i looked up at them and said, "i think we should do this every sunday. it makes my job so much easier!" so after they had said their dinner ideas they started listing all of the treats that they wanted me to get at the store too. "peanut butter m&ms and caramel apples, oh and cider", matt said. "ooooh yeah and halloween cookies", micah shouted. "yeah!" matt chimed in. i just sat there rolling my eyes. when it comes to sweets matt and micah are two of a kind!!! then matt looked at micah and said, "NO! why don't we make halloween sugar cookies like we do at christmas time instead?" micah's eyes got enormous and he said a hearty, "YES!" so last night we finally got around to it.

i gave micah one of each kind and then put the rest in a bag in the freezer so whenever the mood strikes they are ready to decorate.

beatrix pretty much just liked the frosting and sprinkles.

post cookie decorating i thought i would take a few pictures of our recent craft projects. we made and cut out bats for the windows...
(i just like their different faces in these pictures. that is why there are three of the "same' thing.)

and we also made some new little ghosts to hang from our front tree.
of course my holiday loving husband had to hang up halloween lights. sometimes i wonder what our new neighborhood thinks of us. the previous owner had lived here since 1956...it makes me wonder if he ever put up orange and purple lights in his front tree???
something tells me probably not.

the morning after

2011-10-17T09:25:00.005-04:00

...or a couple of mornings in this case, and i feel like a sore little wreck! but happy!

it's monday morning and i helped with a wedding on saturday. it turned out beautiful and i couldn't be happier for our friends Brad and Lence who are happily honeymooning at the moment. but today....today i ache everywhere. today i am reminded that i may have over done it just a touch. just a smidge. i'm 33 weeks pregnant, and i, well, i may have run around like i was not pregnant at all on saturday. really though, i had lots of help and the excitement and the adrenaline kept me hopping and motivated.

i had been sewing the table runners for the wedding for about a month. i'm so thankful i listened to my very wise husband and that i didn't put it off till the last minute. i made 7 of them. 6 of them were almost 12 feet long and 1 was about 4 feet long for the sweetheart table. thursday i picked up the flowers and put them all into water so they could open and be beautiful. friday the mother of the groom and her sister came over for awhile and helped me finish up the balls of flowers, decorate mason jars and the other jars that would be hanging from various places around the garden. it was wonderful to have their help! friday evening i made the bouquets and then i went to the "rehearsal" dinner and to the actual wedding site to go over everything with our friends. matt was going to marry them so he stayed home and finalized his message and i went to go over the details with the bride and groom. we know our strengths and weaknesses. haha!

they got married in the garden of a local bed and breakfast. the garden is beautiful in and of itself, but we made it look even more gorgeous! there was a fountain in the center of the garden that the owner was able to turn off and drain a little bit so that i could arrange flowers in it. then we set up all the tables so that it was family style. 6 long tables. it made it look like a wedding as soon as we rearranged the tables. we also hung things from the trees, put up white lights, draped the tables with tablecloths, the runners, and various sizes of mason jars with candles. i also bought a box of moss and spread that around on the tables to break up the runners and make it look a little more garden-ish. the original plan was to get married by the fountain, but we switched it to under a tent that we peeled the original top back on and brad's family helped me hang cream sheer fabric up on it. this created an ethereal place for them to exchange vows under.

the bride and i had discussed all of the details frequently over the last several months. she created all kinds of cute DIY things and combining those with the things i had made, well, it all came together in the end. it is truly amazing to see something you have been thinking about be actualized. i will post pictures when i get some from the photographer. i was too busy with everything else to carry my camera around all night. i will probably regret that, but oh well.

on to matt's message...can i just say that i am married to such a gifted man! his message was on trust and i wish that i could print the whole thing here for you to read. (if you really are interested in reading it, email me and i would be more than happy to forward it to you!) so trust...there are a few lines that i want to quote here....

"I contend this evening that without trust, we are sentenced to a relationship of fraud and isolation..."

"I truly believe this is the hardest lesson to learn regarding a successful marriage let alone relationships in general. To trust each other, trusting that someone else cares, that someone else is truly concerned about you, that someone else will take care of your needs…this is the hardest thing of all.

It’s hard because we are trust hoarders, collecting and storing all of our trust for and in ourselves. Left to our own devices we are the inwardly lonely, and emotionally emaciated selves. Ironically and somewhat paradoxically, the big secret is that Trust is something we are to share with others, it’s something that opens ourselves up to new relationships and experiences…and on a more cosmic scale I believe trust in someone else is exactly where we find God’s tangibility in the world, hidden in plain sight as it were. "...

and this is when i started to cry...

"But let’s face it, trusting even the one’s most near and dear to us is hard enough, trusting a God you cannot see taste or touch is even harder. That is why I think God blesses trusting relationships, and in this case marriage. He knows we need time and experience to recognize Him. Like everything else in this world, doing hard things takes practice. In marriage we choose our mate to be the one person we practice trust with more intimately and consistently than any other. And in this practice, this commitment we set ourselves on a path toward developing the eyes to see and the ears to hear what in fact makes us truly human. Trust. Trust that our spouse will never abandon us. Trust that there is someone in the world -if no one else- who cares for us. Trust that God will pour out His grace upon your relationship to make it possible to forgive each other when you betray –and you will. Trust that at the end of this life you’ll survey a wedding, a home, fights, jokes, a reassuring smile in an uncomfortable situation, timely hug, thousands of nights spent in arm and leg tangled sleep…and declare “We have loved each other like no other in trust and grace.”

Brad and Lence, I’m not really sure – mostly because I never really asked – how much you trust that God cares about you…and to be honest I don’t really know how much I really trust His love myself. But what I do know is that God has loved me like no other through my wife Lydia. He speaks to me through her love, speaks words that I could not hear, that I would not believe if I didn’t trust her, if I did not trust Him."

it was truly beautiful! and meaningful and ...sigh...really very special. i learned this weekend that though matt and i are oil and water in many ways, we compliment each other. we were ourselves. we didn't bury the talents God has given us. instead we used them to show our friends how much we care about them. and how much we love and are learning daily to trust each other.

{thirty one}

2011-10-05T20:33:00.003-04:00

i want something pumpkin daily.
i have started having delivery dreams.
i've never had delivery dreams before with any pregnancy.
i feel like i need to pee every 20 minutes.
this baby moves more than all of the other ones.
mexican food tastes unbelievably good!
my t-shirts may never return to normal.
we are going to have another girl in 8 1/2 weeks.
speaking in future tense is extremely scary
and so...
i force myself to think positively nearly every hour of every day.